Mother of the Bride Speech for Two Brides (Funny, About 3 Minutes)

The speech

Good evening. I'm Honor, Quill's mother. Quill asked me to be funny tonight, and I told her I'd do my best, and she said, "No, Mom, actually funny," so you'll have to decide.

I want to tell you about the rules.

When Quill was seven, in the winter of 2005, she invented a board game. It was played on the kitchen floor on Maple Street with a cereal box, two dice from Monopoly, and a set of rules she wrote out on nine pages of notebook paper. There were forty-one rules. I read all of them, because I was a good mother and because she was standing over me. Rule one was about how to roll. Rule forty-one said, "Mom cannot win."

I did not win. I did not win in 2005, or 2006, or any year since. I would like you to know that I tried.

That's Quill. She builds the thing, she writes it all down, and she tells you exactly where you stand. When she was sixteen she sat me down and told me she liked girls, and I said, "Good. Have you finished your chemistry?" She had. She always had. She has never once asked anyone's permission for who she is, and she has never needed to, and I'm proud of that in a way I don't say often enough, so there it is.

Then she brought Sabine home.

Sabine came for dinner in March of 2022. After dessert, Quill mentioned the game, as she does, and Sabine asked to see the rules. Quill still has them. Nine pages. Sabine read every one, at the table, while the rest of us cleared up. Then she asked for a pen and added rule forty-two: "Quill's mom gets to win on her birthday."

I still haven't won. But it's in writing now, and that is more than I had for seventeen years.

Sabine, you're the first person I've seen read all of Quill's rules and then play anyway, gladly, every day. You don't try to change the game. You made room in it for the rest of us. She is a little softer since you came along, and no less herself, which I did not think was possible. You are family. Rule forty-two is binding.

Everybody, please stand and raise your glasses. To Quill and Sabine. Rule forty-two.

Why it works: The humor is deadpan and lands on the speaker, who has lost the same game for seventeen years. The coming-out line is one sentence and treated as ordinary. Rule forty-two is the welcome and the toast at once.