Mother of the Groom Speech for Two Grooms (Funny, 3 Minutes)

The speech

Hi, everyone. I'm Adaline, Zephyr's mom. I want to tell you about the first time he brought Teodoro home, because Teodoro has asked me not to, and I'm his mother-in-law now, so there's very little he can do about it.

It was a Sunday in March, three years ago. Zephyr called that Wednesday and said, "Mom, I'm bringing someone. Please don't make a big deal." So I cleaned for three days. I made a seating chart for five people. Florian hid the photo albums. I put them back. We did that twice. Zephyr had said no big deal, so I made three desserts, which I felt showed restraint.

Teodoro walked in, looked at the three desserts, and said, "Oh, good. I was told there'd be no big deal." Then he ate some of all three and told me to make the lemon one next time. He was right.

Here's the detail that got me. The clock in our kitchen has been eleven minutes fast since 1998. Nobody in this family has ever mentioned it. We just do the math. About an hour in, Teodoro looked at it, then at his watch, and said, "Is that on purpose?" Florian said yes. Teodoro nodded and set his watch to it. He has run eleven minutes early at our house ever since.

My mother, Esperanza, asked him if he played cards. Teodoro said a little. She beat him at gin rummy four hands straight, and on the fourth he lost so badly that she put her cards down and said, "Young man, you are throwing this." He admitted it. She has liked him better than the rest of us ever since.

Now, Zephyr. For his entire adult life, Zephyr has left every family gathering at eight o'clock sharp, by the kitchen clock, which means ten to eight. That Sunday, at midnight, he was still on our couch, because Teodoro and Florian were arguing about the right way to load a dishwasher and he did not want to miss how it ended. It ended with Florian reloading it. Teodoro was right about that too.

Teodoro, you walked into a house that was trying much too hard and you acted like it was exactly the right amount. Thank you for keeping my son past eight o'clock. Thank you for the lemon verdict. And thank you for losing to my mother, who knows, and loves you for it.

Please raise your glasses. To Zephyr and Teodoro. Eleven minutes fast, and right on time.

Why it works: One afternoon, told in order, with details only someone in that house would know. Every laugh lands on the speaker or on the family, and the son-in-law comes out of it looking like the best guest they ever had.