Brother of the Bride Speech (Funny, About 3 Minutes)

The speech

Hi, everybody. I'm Kaz, Ida's younger brother. Ida asked me to say a few words. She said "a few" twice on the phone, and then she texted it to me, so I'm going to try.

When Ida was eleven, she got a label maker for her birthday. A gray one from the office supply store by the mall. Most kids would label their diary. Ida labeled the house. The light switches said LIGHT. The fridge said FRIDGE. The cat's food bowl said NOT FOR KAZ, which I felt was unnecessary. I was seven. I only tried it once.

She labeled the pantry shelves by category and then by expiration date. She labeled the remote. She labeled our dad's side of the garage with a strip that just said PLEASE. To this day, if you open the drawer by our parents' stove, there is a label inside that reads SPATULAS (2). There are three spatulas in there now. Mom has never told her.

So when Ida started dating Moses, my main question was how long before he had a label on him. The family had a bet going. Dad said two months. I said six weeks.

Moses came to dinner the first time in October. He sat down, looked at the salt and pepper shakers, both labeled, and said, "Oh, good, I always get these mixed up." Nobody had ever said that before. Everyone else who came to our house thought the labels were a joke about Ida. Moses thought they were helpful.

That Christmas, he gave her a present. It was a box of label tape. Twelve rolls, six colors. She opened it at our kitchen table and didn't talk for about a minute, which for Ida is a very long time. Then she went to the other room, came back with the label maker, which she still has, printed one strip, and stuck it on the box. It said MOSES. KEEP.

I was there for that. I'll be honest, I thought it was a little much. I've thought about it since, though. Ida has spent her whole life trying to put things where they belong. Moses is the first person who walked in and helped her do it instead of asking her to stop.

Moses, welcome. Your label is on the guest room door at Mom and Dad's. I put it there this morning.

Everybody, raise a glass. To Ida and Moses. Keep.

Why it works: Every laugh comes from one object and the bride's lifelong habit, and the family is the butt of the jokes, never the groom. The turn is a moment the brother watched at his parents' kitchen table.