Office Holiday Party Toast: Short, Funny, Safe for Work

The short version: an office holiday party toast takes 30 seconds to a minute. Say who you are, mention one small true thing about the office this year, aim any joke at a thing and not a person, and get the glasses up. Six short toasts you can adapt are below.

Maybe you're the emcee. Maybe you lead a team and wanted a minute at the mic. Maybe your boss pointed at you across the room and said "you're good at this." Whichever it is, the room wants the same thing from you: one laugh, something that sounds like your office and no other, and permission to go back to the food.

How long to talk

The boss usually has the longest slot, and the holiday party speech for employees guide is for them. Everyone after should be shorter. Nobody at an office party has ever wished a coworker's toast had gone on longer.

The shape that works

1. Who you are, in one line. In a big company, half the room doesn't know you. Name and team is enough.
2. One thing from this year. Small, specific, and something most of the room was there for or heard about. The week the elevator broke. The project that wouldn't end.
3. A turn toward the people. What that one thing says about the people in this room.
4. Glasses up. A short last line that calls back to your one thing.

That's it. No thank-you list (the boss has that covered), no recap of the year, no speech about company values.

Funny but safe for work

The safe office joke is about something everybody shares and nobody owns. The printer that jams. The reply-all chain that would not die. The fridge nobody cleans. The parking lot. The badge reader that works on the third try. Everyone in the room has suffered through these, so everyone laughs, and nobody goes home embarrassed.

Jokes about yourself are safe too. Your own terrible sense of direction in the new building, your own record of joining calls on mute, your own desk plant that has been dying since spring.

Teasing a coworker can work, but only if it's a harmless habit, they'll take it well, and it turns into a compliment by the end. If you're not sure how they'll take it, ask them before the party.

Leave these out completely:

• Anyone's drinking, including at last year's party.
• Dating, flirting, or who left with whom.
• Looks, weight, age, or accents.
• Someone's mistakes at work, even old ones everyone laughs about at lunch.
• Pay, promotions, who got passed over, or layoffs.
• Politics and religion.
• The boss's spouse or family.
• Anything you only heard secondhand.

A simple test: would you say it with HR standing next to the person you're joking about? If you'd hesitate, cut it.

If you're the emcee

You're there to keep the night moving, not to give the main speech.

• Housekeeping first, toast last. Where the food is, where the drinks without alcohol are, when the photo booth closes, when the night ends.
• Thank the people who planned it, by name or as a committee. They gave up a lot of lunch breaks.
• Hand off clearly. If the boss is speaking next, say their name and step back from the mic.
• Keep yourself short. You'll be back up for the raffle.

If you're toasting the boss

Sometimes the team picks one person to say a few kind words about the boss. Keep it warm and short, and say it's from everyone. Praising someone's "leadership" sounds like a performance review. One specific thing they did for the team this year sounds like a thank-you. And don't overdo it. The room is listening for anything that sounds like sucking up.

If you're handed the microphone with no warning

Use this, and fill in the brackets on your way to the front:

"I'm [your name], and I work on [your team]. This year I watched [one small thing people in this room did]. That's this office. Everybody, glasses up. To [that thing]."

That runs about fifteen seconds, which is perfect. If nothing comes to mind, use something from tonight: the decorations, the food, whoever stayed late to set up.

Toasts that fall flat at work

• The inside joke. Your team laughs, the other ninety people stare at their drinks. If you'd need to explain it, it's the wrong joke for this room.
• The roast. Roasts work at a friend's birthday because everyone there loves the person. At work, some of the room reports to them, some compete with them, and some barely know them. A roast reads as a grudge.
• The company slogan. Nobody raises a glass to a mission statement. Toast the people, or the one thing they did.
• Greeting-card lines. "Eat, drink and be merry" and "here's to another great year" have been said at every office party since offices. Say the specific thing instead.
• The second toast. You got the laugh, the glasses went up, and then you thought of one more thing. Sit down. The one more thing can wait until you're back at your table.
• Talking through the noise. If the back of the room can't hear you, stop and wait. A toast nobody heard is a toast nobody remembers.

6 office holiday party toasts

Names and details are placeholders. Swap in your own office.

From a coworker handed the mic, funny (about 40 seconds)

Hi, I'm Margo from accounting. I was told this would be a two-sentence toast, so I've written five.

This year we got a new phone system, a new expense app, and the printer on the third floor, which has jammed every day since April and now has a sticky note on it that just says "why." I'd love to tell you we fixed it. We didn't. But we all learned to walk down to the second floor together, and I've had some of my best conversations of the year on those stairs.

So raise a glass. To the printer, and to the stairs.

Why it works: the joke is on a machine everybody hates, and the turn finds something warm in it.

For the emcee opening the party (about 1 minute)

Good evening, everybody. I'm Keith, I'm on the party committee, and apparently that makes me the emcee, which nobody mentioned when I signed up.

Quick housekeeping. Food is along the back wall. There's sparkling cider and soda at the end of the bar for anyone not drinking. And the photo booth closes at nine, so get in there before your face gets tired.

One more thing before we start. This party happened because a handful of people spent their lunch breaks since October cutting paper snowflakes and arguing about the playlist. Look up. Every snowflake on that ceiling was cut by hand.

Glasses up, please. To the committee, and to whoever has to take the snowflakes down.

Why it works: housekeeping first, a real thank-you to the people who did the work, and a callback the room can look up and see.

From a team lead to their team (about 1 minute)

Hi, I'm Leona. I lead the design team, all six of us, and I asked for a minute up here so I could say one thing in front of everybody.

In September we had a week where the client changed the brief three times. On the Thursday, I came in early and found the whiteboard in our corner completely full. Kent had stayed late the night before and mapped out all three versions side by side, with arrows, so we could just pick one in the morning. He'd also drawn a small, unflattering picture of me holding a coffee. We used the plan. I kept the picture.

That's this team. The work is good, and nobody ever has to figure it out alone.

To the design team. And to Kent, who is still not allowed to draw me.

Why it works: one night of quiet effort stands for the whole team, and the drawing gives it a laugh without embarrassing anyone.

From the team, toasting the boss (about 40 seconds)

Hi, everyone. The team asked me to say something, because I'm supposedly the one who doesn't get nervous at microphones. That was a lie, but here I am.

Marcy, every Friday this year you sent the same email at four o'clock. Two words. Go home. Some weeks we didn't listen. But you kept sending it, and every one of us knew what it meant. You were looking out for us, even in the weeks you weren't going home yourself.

So from all of us, glasses up. To Marcy. Go home.

Why it works: one specific habit says more than any praise of leadership, and the last line is the boss's own two words.

From the newest person in the office (about 35 seconds)

Hi. I'm Lloyd. I started in August, so most of you know me as the guy who asked where the bathroom was, more than once.

I just wanted to say thank you. On my first day, three different people asked me to lunch, and one of you lent me a stapler I still haven't given back. I've had first days that went a lot worse.

So raise a glass. To the people who made this an easy place to be new, and to the stapler, which I'm keeping.

Why it works: the new person has the one view nobody else has, and the stapler keeps the thank-you from getting sappy.

On the spot, with no warning (about 20 seconds)

Nobody warned me about this, so it'll be short. I'm Madge, and I sit next to the kitchen.

All year I've watched you rescue the coffee pot when somebody left it empty. Somebody always makes the next pot. That's this office.

Glasses up. To whoever makes the next pot.

Why it works: it admits there was no warning, uses one thing everyone has seen, and stops.

Delivering it with a drink in your hand

• Put the drink down while you talk if you need a hand for notes or the mic. Pick it up for the toast.
• Not drinking? Raise water. Nobody checks, and saying "raise whatever you're holding" helps everyone else who isn't drinking.
• Wait for quiet. Ask whoever runs the music to turn it down first, so you aren't shouting your one good line.
• Look at the people you name. It's their moment for three seconds.
• Then sit down. The toast is the ending.

If you want a quick draft built around your own office, the toast writer will give you one in a couple of minutes. Run it through the sounds-human check before you read it out, and browse more in the toast examples.