Funny Mother of the Bride Speech (Dry Humor, 3 Minutes)

The speech

Good evening. I'm Tessa, Poppy's mother. My husband asked me to keep it clean, and Poppy asked me to keep it under three minutes, so I'll be doing one of those.

Thank you all for coming. And thank you to Enzo's parents, who have had us over for dinner four times now and fed us so much that my husband refers to it as "the incident."

Poppy has always known exactly what she wants. At nine, she wrote up a contract for walking the dog. It had a schedule, a fine for missed walks, and a clause about weather. Her brother signed it. Her brother was six. He's here tonight, and as far as I know he still owes her eleven dollars.

So when she started dating Enzo, I assumed there would be paperwork, and I was right. Before his first dinner at our house, she sent him a document. Two pages. Our names, the dog's name, which topics to avoid with her father, which of my opinions to agree with. I know this because Enzo brought it. Folded, in his jacket pocket. He had highlighted things.

Halfway through dinner my husband started in on baseball, and I watched Enzo glance down at his pocket. Just for a second. Then he said, "I don't really follow baseball, sir." Which was on the list. Word for word.

I liked him immediately. You have to respect a man who does the reading.

Now. I'm told I have to say something nice, and I do have one.

Last spring I had my knee replaced, and I needed rides to physical therapy twice a week for six weeks. Poppy had just started a new job and couldn't get away. Enzo took every Tuesday. He didn't tell anyone. And every Tuesday on the way home, he stopped for pistachio ice cream, which I love and which nobody else in this family will touch. He never asked what flavor. He'd noticed it at some dinner, at some point, and he remembered.

That was not in the document. I checked.

Enzo, my daughter has run her life off a list since she was nine. You're the best thing she never had to write down.

Please raise your glasses. To Poppy and Enzo, who both did the reading.

Why it works: Every joke is about the bride's love of paperwork or the groom's homework, never at anyone's expense. The one sincere story lands because it's played as straight as the jokes, and the toast ties both halves together.