Joint Best Man Speech for Two Best Men (Funny, About 3.5 Minutes)

The speech

Xavi: Hi, everyone. I'm Xavi. Conrad and I go back to second grade, when we sat next to each other on the number 14 bus. Or I did. He usually missed it.

Jarrah: And I'm Jarrah. I've sat next to Conrad at work for six years. Xavi and I met for the first time on Thursday.

Xavi: Conrad asked us both to be best man. Separately. Neither of us knew about the other one until the tux fitting.

Jarrah: It was a very quiet tux fitting.

Xavi: So we got coffee and tried to write this speech, and we hit a problem right away. We do not know the same man.

Jarrah: The Conrad I know is in the office at 7:15 every morning. Coffee is made. Lights are on. He has already read the email you were about to send him, and answered it.

Xavi: The Conrad I know missed the number 14 bus at least once a week for six years. My mom drove him to school so often that his parents sent her a fruit basket at Christmas. In high school he slept through the SAT. He had to take it again in June with the juniors.

Jarrah: That's not possible. He runs the Monday meeting. He starts it two minutes early.

Xavi: He set three alarms for my wedding and still walked in during the vows.

Jarrah: So we compared dates. And it turns out the switch happened about four years ago.

Xavi: That's when he met Remy.

Jarrah: Remy is a baker. If you had the rolls at dinner, that was Remy, and he made them at an hour I'd rather not think about. He starts work at four in the morning.

Xavi: And the first winter they were dating, it snowed for most of January, and Remy does not love driving in snow. So Conrad, a man who once slept through a fire drill, got up at 3:30 every morning to drive him to the bakery.

Jarrah: And then, since he was already up, he came to work. He brought a paper bag of yesterday's croissants for the whole floor. That's when office Conrad was born. We all assumed he'd gotten his life together. We had no idea there was a bakery involved.

Xavi: I've watched my friend sleep through almost everything for thirty years. Birthdays, flights, a total eclipse. He has not missed one morning with you, Remy. Not one.

Jarrah: Remy, I don't know you as well as Xavi knows Conrad. But I know what happens to a person when somebody is worth getting up for. I've been eating the evidence for four years.

Xavi: So two strangers wrote a speech and agreed on exactly one thing. The old version of him is real, the new one is real, and you're the reason there's a second one.

Jarrah: Everybody, glasses up.

Xavi: To Conrad and Remy.

Jarrah: Up before the bread.

Why it works: The two speakers really do know different versions of the groom, so the back-and-forth has a mystery to solve, and the answer is the person he married.