Best Woman Speech for the Groom's Best Friend (Funny, 3.5 Minutes)

The speech

Good evening. I'm Quintessa, and yes, I'm the best woman. Raphael picked me over six perfectly good men, and I'd like to point out that I'm the only one of them who has never asked him to help me move. That's the whole explanation. Moving on.

Raphael and I met freshman year, in the dorm on Pratt Street, because our rooms shared a wall and he knocked on my door to apologize for his music. The music was not loud. He just thought it might be. That's Raphael. He will apologize for a thing that hasn't happened yet, and he physically cannot tell a lie, and I want to tell you about the night I learned that second part.

Senior year, I turned twenty-two, and my friends threw me a surprise party. Raphael had one job: get me to the restaurant at eight without telling me why. I got in his car and said, "Where are we going?" And Raphael, who had rehearsed, who had notes, looked straight ahead and said, "A place. With some people. You'll like it."

I said, "Is this a surprise party?"

He said, "Oh, thank God," and then he told me everything. The restaurant. Who was coming. Where they'd hidden the cake, which was in his trunk, about four feet behind me. He apologized for the restaurant, which was fine. And then he parked, turned to me, and said, with total seriousness, "Okay. They're all going to yell. Please act surprised."

I did. I was the only one in the room acting. He stood in the back looking like he'd gotten away with something.

Here's why I'm telling you that. Raphael is the one person I know who you can ask a real question and get a real answer. Do I look okay. Is this a bad idea. Should I take the job. He'll tell you, and then he'll apologize for telling you, and then he'll help you fix it.

So when he met Ursula, I knew it was serious because of what he said. On their second date, she asked him what he was actually looking for, and he said, and I'm quoting, "Honestly, I'd like to stop eating dinner standing up at the counter." She told me later it was the first honest answer she'd gotten from anyone in a year. She was in.

Ursula, you've taken a man who apologizes to furniture and made him calm. He sits down for dinner now. He told me last week that he didn't have anything to worry about, and then he looked around for something and couldn't find it. That's you. Thank you for being someone he can't lie to and doesn't want to. You're getting the most honest person I know, and I'm getting a friend who finally has somebody else to confess to.

Everybody, please stand and raise a glass. To Raphael and Ursula. Act surprised.

Why it works: The laughs come from one story with real dialogue, and every one of them lands on the groom's honesty, which is the thing the speech is praising. The turn uses a line the groom actually said, and the toast calls the story back.