Short Funny Best Man Speech (About 2 Minutes)

The speech

Good evening, everyone. I'm Zane. I've been Mack's best friend since freshman year of college, when he color-coded our shared mini fridge.

Mack likes a plan. For our first camping trip, he brought a color-coded itinerary. It had a column for "activity" and a column for "backup activity." The backup for "watch the sunset" was "watch the sunset from a different rock." Saturday at four o'clock said "spontaneous fun," and he set an alarm for it.

So you can imagine how he handled dating. After his first date with Eben, he called me and said, "I think it went well. I'm going to wait exactly three days." He lasted four hours. I know this because Eben showed me the text. It just said, "Hi. This is earlier than planned."

Eben, it turns out, does not do plans. Eben once drove to Vermont because he liked a picture of a barn. The first time they took a trip together, Mack made an itinerary, and Eben lost it at a gas station in the first hour.

That night Mack called me from a diner somewhere in Pennsylvania. I was ready for a crisis. Instead he said, "Zane, I have no idea where we're sleeping tonight, and I've never been happier."

That's the serious part. That's the whole serious part, I promise.

Eben, thank you for losing the itinerary. He never would have done it himself.

Mack tells me he has already drafted a twenty-year plan for the two of you. Eben, keep a gas station handy.

Everybody, glasses up. To Mack and Eben. Spontaneous fun, four o'clock sharp.

Why it works: Every joke is about one trait, the groom's love of a plan, so the single serious line lands hard when that plan finally gets lost.