Funny Wedding Officiant Script for Two Brides

Tasha walks in with her dad. Elise walks in with her mom and both of her sisters. They meet at the front.

The music stops. Everyone stays standing until Ray asks them to sit.

Go ahead and sit down. Thank you.

Hi, everybody. I'm Ray, and for six years I've sat on the other side of a cubicle wall from Tasha, which means I know more about her lunches than anyone here, including Elise.

Thank you all for coming. Some of you drove in from three states away. Elise's grandmother came from across town and told me before we started that she'd give this twenty minutes. Grandma Joyce, we're going to come in under that.

One quick thing before we start. Please keep your phones down. Tasha and Elise hired a photographer named Dana, she's very good, and she does not need your help.

Tasha and Elise wanted a ceremony that sounds like them, which means it's going to be a little funny for a while, and then it's going to get serious. You'll know when it happens. I'll tell you.

Let me tell you how this started, because I was there for the Monday after.

Four years ago, Elise was trying to parallel park on Tasha's street. It was a big spot. You could have fit a boat in it. Elise went in, came back out, went in again, and Tasha watched the whole thing from her front steps for eleven minutes before she walked down and started waving her in like someone on an airport runway.

Elise, I want everyone to know you asked me to include this.

That Monday, Tasha came to work and drew a diagram of the parking job on a sticky note, with arrows, and stuck it on my monitor. Under the diagram she wrote one word. Cute. That sticky note is still on my monitor. I'm not allowed to take it down. I've asked.

Their first real date was a Saturday morning at a plant nursery, because Elise needed one more fern. As of this morning, Elise owns forty-one houseplants. Every one of them has a name. There's a snake plant named Gary, and a pothos named Mrs. Okafor, after Elise's eighth grade science teacher. Here's the part I want you to hear. Within three months, Tasha knew all of them. She could tell you which ones get watered on Thursdays. She never cared about plants before. She cared because Elise did.

Then there's the group chat. Tasha, Elise, and Elise's two sisters have a group chat called Plant Updates. I've been told it hasn't been about plants since the second month. It's mostly pictures of vegetables at the grocery store that look like Tasha's cat. There are hundreds of them. Tasha got added to that chat after six weeks, which in Elise's family is very fast. Her sisters told me that's when they knew.

Tasha, I've watched you at work for six years. You're the person who reads the entire attachment. You fix the printer when nobody else will touch it. And every day around 3:15, for four years now, you've stepped out to call Elise for five minutes, just to hear how her day is going. I've never once heard you hang up without saying I love you. Six years in a cubicle, you learn things.

Elise, the first time I met you, you brought banana bread to our office for no reason, and you remembered my kids' names from one story Tasha told you. You notice people. And you've made Tasha braver. She signed up for a pottery class last year. Most of her bowls lean to the left, and she keeps going back.

Okay. That's the end of the jokes. I promised them I'd say that out loud, so there it is. The funny part's over.

Tasha and Elise, you're about to make some big promises, and I want to say one thing before you do. What I've seen between the two of you is that you pay attention. You learn the plant names. You make the 3:15 phone call. You show up with banana bread for people you've barely met. A marriage is mostly small things done on ordinary days, and you're already good at it. Today you just say it in front of everybody.

Tasha and Elise have written their own vows. Elise, whenever you're ready.

Elise reads her vows. Then Tasha reads hers.

Elise's younger sister hands Ray the rings.

Elise, place this ring on Tasha's finger and repeat after me.

Elise: Tasha, I give you this ring. I choose you, and I'll keep choosing you, on every regular Tuesday for the rest of my life.

Tasha, place this ring on Elise's finger and repeat after me.

Tasha: Elise, I give you this ring. I choose you, and I'll keep choosing you, on every regular Tuesday for the rest of my life.

Elise, do you take Tasha to be your wife, to love her, to tell her the truth, to look after her when she's well and when she's sick, and to stay beside her for the rest of your life?

Elise: I do.

Tasha, do you take Elise to be your wife, to love her, to tell her the truth, to look after her when she's well and when she's sick, and to stay beside her for the rest of your life?

Tasha: I do.

Tasha and Elise, you've said your vows, you've exchanged rings, and you've told all of us you mean it. By the power vested in me by [the State of ___], I pronounce you married.

You may kiss your wife.

They kiss. Ray takes a big step back.

Everyone, please stand up for Tasha and Elise.

The recessional starts, and they walk back up the aisle together.

Ray, Tasha, Elise, and two witnesses sign the license at the picnic table behind the pavilion before photos.